And so it begins, life once again resides in the land of endless beauty. Washington, I’ve missed you. To my family and friends back in the golden state (and Minnesota), thank you all for an unforgettable and truly life-changing summer. I heard this phrase in passing the other day and chuckled at the mere notion it could quite seriously, and immaturely, be the phrase I forever associate my summer of 2011 with. “Summer is where the girls go barefoot and their hearts are just as free as their toes.” Both my toes and my heart have never felt more free. To the 14-year-old girl with shorts too small for even my cabbage patch doll, I solute you.
While my original plan was to briefly catch you up on all the happenings of summer, I was flooded with a need to share more specifically what I’m wrestling with at the moment. At the beginning of the summer I left you setting out to find the difference between who I am and who I ought to be. The springs of living water drowned and refreshed me to be sure and throughout the course of these three months I was stretched, tested, jostled, praised, and cleansed. It wasn’t until a few days ago when the joy that brought about what seemed to be subtle changes in my character was replaced with contempt for my true self. Let me tell you it hasn’t been my favorite time and as long as we’re being honest, I write to you tonight more broken than I’ve been in years. Words of advice, if you shoot up a heavy cry in prayer, expect some heavy crying as a result.
I’m not sure if you’re aware but brokenness is never fun. Thus, the past few days haven’t exactly been the party of the century. If it weren’t for a dear friend who spoke truth into my life this evening I might very well still be flat on my rug (planking style for visual purposes) justifying eating an entire pint of ice-cream because “my freezer was broken and it was melting, not because I was sad.” I’m actually not sure weather I’m more pathetic or pitiful at this exact moment, but I know I’m truly thankful nonetheless. If you’re ever feeling worthless or just need a reminder of something to be thankful for, I highly recommend reading Ephesians 1:3-23 and replacing the “us’s” and “we’s” with “you”. (courtesy of zakk uhler)
So what’s going on in my head that’s currently making it such a horrible place to be? It’s simple really. This summer I learned more about being rather than doing and owned loving rather than pursuing. I adapted to “being” more about God’s will rather than “doing“ my own and “loving” people as we’re commanded to rather than “pursuing” friendships self-centerdly. What’s horrible about this is the realization I’ve been all about the exact opposite and wrestling through the difficulties it’s in turn produced. Life’s sadly been about me not him and my selfishness has manifested it’s way into justifying straying from basic biblical principals. I had forgotten how to build-up, how to serve, and even how to love. Tonight in what seemed to be his desperate attempt to get me to listen, I was slapped across the face with one of my biggest insecurities. Luckily he’s gone before me and seen this particular situation through, but I’m still left sorting through the mess my heads already created of it. As the night’s progressed I’ve felt compelled to make drastic changes in my day to day so this doesn't happen again. I come to you now with a sincere and heartfelt apology for my selfishness in our friendship. Please know I am working on being a better individual when it comes to relationships in general, but your grace is needed to see this transformation through. While i realize I've handled a great number of you quite recklessly, my aim is centered on the rock now and i can assure you things are going to be different from here on out. I have opted to taking the next few days to fast from people. I am doing so as to better discern what's God's leading and what's my own in hopes to better balance my desire to know everyone deeply and my call to be purposeful with few. I hope you will partner with me in prayer through this transformation and see it through to its completion. Thank you for your understanding. I love and appreciate you guys more than i let on. You're all rockstars.